searching for answers

A while ago I wrote about how people were finding my blog by searching for the word "choot."

Of course, in most juvenile fashion, I found this incredibly funny back in February when I started my "...is a choot" series. (Incidentally, this is still true. Six hits last week were accounted for by the keywords "choot", "indian choot", "choot video", and, wait for it... "blood choot". Disgusting, I know.)

Also in February, I discovered that it is widely known among Pakistani internet users that if you isolate google keyword searches by region, you will find that the word "sex" is most widely searched for in Pakistan, and "animal sex" is particularly popular in Karachi. (I just came across an excellent post on this at Five Rupees).

Allow me now to point out yet another bit of googling hilarity. This one comes from Google Zeitgeist, which publishes a country-by-country list of the 15 keyword queries that have most gained in popularity over the course of each month. (During May in France, for example, you might expect a huge jump in searches for "Sarkozy"). Well, it turns out that in Pakistan, during March, the #10 query on this list was "male models". Above "cricket world cup 2007", which came in at #11.

Again, I leave the analysis up to you. I am merely a purveyor of facts.

oranges and lemons

A common motivational statement goes something like this: "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Turns out, you could also make the Taj Mahal. Or that big Jesus statue that sits on the cliff above Rio de Janeiro.

Here are some of my favorite pictures from the Fête du Citron, an annual festival on the French Riviera in which people get together and make gigantic sculptures out of oranges and lemons. It's all pretty fantastic.

It also gives me a chance to post about something that makes me happy, to silence all you "billu.net is too angry" folks. You know who you are.





It also makes me think of a recent post by 4e44. How the heck do you find out that you have the uncanny ability to make sculptures out of citrus fruit? Is it discovered by your parents when you're young? "That billu, he's good with his hands, he's going to grow up to be a famous orange sculptor."

I wish. All my poor parents could say was: "That billu, all he'll ever be good for is writing a blog detailing how everything in life pisses him off."

Well, billu.net may fall short of the proverbial lemonade, but it's the best I can do with my lemons.

blood will have blood

Shoaib, Asif to Get Complete Transfusion from Razzaq's Blood

In order to remove all traces of Nandrolone from their urine in record time, the PCB has launched an incredible and impressive secret campaign. Adbul Razzaq, an important, yet replaceable, member of the squad, conveniently fractured his knee just minutes before leaving for the Caribbean. In an interview, he appeared completely befuddled as to how it happened. Chloroform, anyone?

Meanwhile, the rest of the squad, including the reserves, and even a few spectators, have already pissed in cups and been cleared by some drug testing authority in Malaysia. Wasn't the movie "Entrapment", starring Sean Connery, filmed in Malaysia? Didn't Connery play Bond for a while? Wasn't "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" the worst film ever made? Exactly. That's shady too.

Doctors in England will be performing the world's first (maybe 100th – who knows, first sounds better) complete blood transfusion and muscle sieving procedure to remove the controversial nandrolone from Asif and Shoaib's bodies. They will then use Abdul Razzaq's blood to fill them up again. It's dramatic, it's crazy, but it just might work. As long as they don't somehow infuse the two with Razzaq's somewhat insipid bowling ability, it sounds completely foolproof.

Of course, questions abound. Is the procedure safe? In particular, will Razzaq survive after donating every ounce of his blood? The answer is: who gives? We've got Azhar, haven't we? They're practically the same person.

If all goes well, Shoaib and Asif will be nandrolone-free and ready to roll when Pakistan take on the Windies in a couple of weeks. In fact, they might as well pop a few more doses while they're at it.

co-authored by Omar

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cross-posted at Omar Loves Cricket and cricket.bloggers.pk

recognizing records

So according to this article, a couple of Indian kids have broken the record for the highest partnership in any form of recorded cricket. In a school match, they put on 721 runs in just 40 overs.

My question is, why is this being reported as if it is actually a record? Is it comparable to Sangakkara and Jayawardene making 624 in an actual Test against South Africa this year? I mean, good for these kids, but this was a Hyderabad Under-13 school tournament.

Even Tendulkar and Kambli's 638-run stand in a 3-4 day game in a 16-17 year old all-India interschool tournament is a more valid record, although that too is overrated. Cricinfo's wording is priceless:

"The closest any Test batting duo came to going past the Tendulkar-Kambli record was when Mahela Jayawardene and Kumar Sangakkara added 624 for the third wicket against South Africa in Sri Lanka earlier this year. "

The closest they ever came?! Are you kidding me? 624 is pretty damn close to 638, and 624 in an actual test trumps 638 in a school tournament by about 500 miles. They shouldn't even be discussed in the same sentence.

Kambli, of course, remained unwilling "to buy the argument that school cricket makes for easy records."

So here's what I think. Tomorrow, there's a match in my studio apartment. All are welcome - boys, girls, infants, and seniors. The wall by the radiator is a six, and the tv stand is the wicket. If you hit the computer, you're out... Let's make some records!

staying up to date

So this is what shows up when you open up Netflix these days. I've blocked out my name, of course, but take a look at the two items they are asking me to "update" on my profile. And no, it's not like they don't have this information, you have to enter it when you sign up. They just want to keep their info up to date.....

epic tetus

I have just discovered that there was once a philosopher named "Epictetus." I wonder if he was as 'full-bosomed' as his name suggests...

spelling bee minus

Here's an excerpt of an email I received from Columbia, that they sent out to all prospective students. Basically they are showing off about how hot their visiting speakers are, and how so many of their faculty have recently won big prizes etc. So they say:

Next, two Columbia University Scholars were recently awarded a Nobel Prize. Orphan Pamuk, a Scholar in Middle Eastern and Asian Languages and Cultures and a Fellow with the University's Committee on Global Thought, was awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature.

"Orphan Pamuk" indeed. I almost want to rescind my application immediately...

of bikes and men

In this post, Omar poses a pertinent question about his bike. Will it be stolen? Here at billu.net we are always ready to lend a hand. So in our first interactive polling feature, I urge you, readers, to let us know what you think. Vote now!

Will Dog's bike get stolen?

Yes
No
Maybe
Who gives?

View results

Free surveys

the dully show

So Jon Stewart did a stand-up show in MD a couple days ago. What a bore. 2 hours of him waxing philosophical about how we all need to be moderate and have common sense. Ridiculous, not-very-funny observations on cliched topics, and silly platitudes that were far from witty were applauded as if they were gospel. I could see that he means what he says, but at the same time I wondered why I paid 85 dollars to watch him talk. Of course the other 14,999 people didn't seem to mind. They cheered every time they agreed with anything. Here's a little example:

JS: I feel bad for the democrats.
Audience: WOOHOOOOO!

The good news, however, is that the opening act was hilarious! His name was Mike Birbiglia. Here is a clip from some of his material.

the masturbating bear

Been looking for this clip for a while and finally found it. Conan is brilliant.



I should do something similar with Bloomberg (the little horned billu.net mascot on the top left)..

bert and ernie

Hahahahahah... This is completely juvenile and inane. But I couldn't stop laughing!

mama zuma's revenge

A pretty serious bag of potato chips by a company called Route 11.

Armed with her jalapeno whip and extra jalapeno ammo in her belt, a fiesty Mama Zuma takes her revenge on a poor sombreroed fellow in a canyon full of cacti on fire.

And this is the mild version...

michael schumacher is a pizza delivery guy

So I tried looking for the English translation to Applausi Per Fibra. Didn't find it, but I did come across a forum where they were discussing the linguistic origins of the song Dragostea Din Tei by O-Zone. (The one that goes numa numa yay etc). The song is actually Romanian, but there seems to be some disagreement on this forum, to say the least...

Of course, I didn't have a chance to read through all bloody 57 pages of it, but here are some choice excerpts:

"Saying to romanian people that the song is in chinese ... is like going to Michael Schumacher and telling him that he isn’t driving in F1 competition... he is a pizza delivery guy..."

"U kno how sum languages sound thet same. Like spanish and i think its french or italian sounds the same(i cant remember which 1) Maybe it just sounds like spanish but may not be spalled the same. or it could be a mix of different languages. And the song has been made over so it may have been made over in spanish english french etc. but the original song is romanian. Im not saying im right sum1 else could be right but this is what i think and i hope this helps a little. Imnot saying u have 2 believe me or anything its ur opinion and u can believe whatever u want."

"I’m a romanian.... and if you say that i am chinese, german ,spanish or french i think i would still say that i am romanian... this is what you are doing... you are telling me that i’m not a romanian .. and this is not my language... is like telling you that shakespeare was bulgarian, caravaggio was from turkey, napoleon was the ruller of russia... whouldn’t you english, italian and french people get iritated?"

"ITS FUCKIN ROMANIAN U DICKS! IM HUNGARIAN BUT LIVE IN NZ! I WENT TO HUNGARY IN THE SUMMER AND IT’S FUCKIN ROMANIAN!"

"lol omg you are all idiots, and its more funny when someone talks like they know what they are saying, and they think they are right, its fucking arabian you idiots, if you watch the news now adays, youll hear some of these words in the background. i am an indian, i would know"

Amazing...